on the lookout for russell brown's ass

I heard that at last night's DLANC Board Meeting, Russell Brown admitted that his carelessness on recent trip to Mexico caused him to experience Montezuma's Revenge. If that means he can't go far without having to do the Aztec two-step, then maybe I can expect a visit from him while he's out and about downtown. I'm so glad I'm centrally located.

i feel so inadequate

CNN reports that a four-story public toilet with a thousand stalls has opened in China.

"We are spreading toilet culture. People can listen to gentle music and watch TV," said Lu Xiaoqing, an official with the Yangrenjie, or "Foreigners Street," tourist area where the bathroom is. "After they use the bathroom they will be very, very happy."

The entrance to the toilet has an Egyptian facade and open-air stalls that overlook the busy streets of Chongqing. Some urinals are shaped like a bust of the Virgin Mary and some washbasins are in the shape of a woman bending over. I wish there were a TV show called "Pimp My Toilet", I'd love to have a washbasin like that!

the kinds of asses i see

I've been wondering what kind of people have been using me lately, so I started conducting informal interviews as people have exited me. Please keep in mind, this was not scientific, I just asked a few simple questions in exchange for an extra flush. So who's been using this downtown toilet?

65 percent male and 35 percent female
35 percent of respondents were ages 18-24
44 percent were ages 25 to 34
14 percent were ages 35 to 44
7 percent were 45 and older

The education breakdown was:

12 percent with high school or less
26 percent with some college
47 percent college graduates
12 percent with graduate degrees
3 percent with postgraduate work

Activities in the past 30 days broke down to:

Accessed the internet at home or work, at 67 percent
Went to a movie theatre, at 66 percent
Bought a music CD or tape, at 41 percent
Went to a health club, at 45 percent
Attended a concert or show, at 35 percent
Made a purchase over the internet, at 31 percent
Also 26 percent of the asses I see also visit a bar or nightclub twice a week, 24 percent once a week, 20 percent three times a week, and 13 percent four times a week. Daily visits were reported by 10 percent, but that's downtown for you.

I've been thinking about expanding this and maybe asking different questions. So please don't freak out if, when you're next using me, you hear a nice, well-modulated voice speaking in non-regional mainstream English. That's just me, the downtown toilet, with a few quick questions. And you get an extra clean bowl.

just one square

I've mentioned before how much it bothers me when people clog up my pipes with a huge wad of toilet paper. One of my favorite musicians, Sheryl Crow, suggested "I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting." Now she says she was just kidding, that it was just a joke proferred to raise awareness about global warming. But you know, it's not such a ridiculous idea.

You're probably thinking, "But Downtown Toilet, you should see the mess I make back there. And I'm too old to be walking around with skidmarks on my chones, even if it is to save the environment."

Here's how. Just watch this video, which shows you how to wipe your ass using just one square of two-ply toilet paper:



And if that doesn't get it all, then by all means, wrap your fist in toilet paper and have at it. But at least try this. Just remember to wash your hands afterwards!

downtown toilet humor

Three sorority girls were talking one morning about how drunk they were at a party the night before.

1st sorority girl: I was so drunk that last night I got home and blew chunks.

2nd sorority girl: Oh yeah? Well, I was so drunk that on the way home I was pulled over and given a DUI!

3rd sorority girl: That's nothing. I was so drunk, instead of going home, I went to the wrong house and wound up sleeping with my next door neighbor!

1st sorority girl: No, you don't understand! Chunks is my dog.

i'm for real

A fake downtown blog was discovered and another blog wants to know when I start blogging. Someone, please tell them I'm here, I'm open, and I'm blogging!

temporary doorman

Made a new friend today. My door was malfunctioning, couldn't figure out why it kept doing that. No one wanted to use me because of the lack of privacy. But the Town Crier hung out for a while, holding the door shut for people. What a guy.